Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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