I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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