Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
