i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
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