The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
