Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
