Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
