Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
