boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
