Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
God gave him joint rollers for hands
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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