they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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