I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
