there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
