I got chris browned last night
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
