just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
you're hired as official boob wrangler
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
