Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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