got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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