no, he came in my armpit
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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