i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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