Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
