I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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