I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
