when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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