He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
