Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
