so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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