i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
