it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
