i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
