I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
