apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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