i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
