we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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