so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
