how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
