90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
