I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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