Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
