I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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