I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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