Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
