i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
