Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
