dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize