after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
