Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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