New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
