This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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