So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i will never coherently bang her
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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