These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I would ride that face into the sunset
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
