it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
