so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
