i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
