before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
