Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
