...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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